Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
