Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
