i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
MIDGETS
????
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
