I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
