Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
