come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
