I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I have already put on my inside pants.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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