Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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