I think i peed on brittanys purse
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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