Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
