I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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