Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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