No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
