You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
