wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
