dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
