1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
