I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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