Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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