i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
