hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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