Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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