true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Come share oat with me in your robe
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
