How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
