ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
