I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
