Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
