matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
