i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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