Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
