please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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