When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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