What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
