dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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