you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
