i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
