can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
