I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just found puke in my bra..
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
