I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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