We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
hotel room ftw
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
