How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
