my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
