I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
