Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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