There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
