i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
