He uses pillows to masturbate.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
