Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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