Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
