the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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